(Content warning: mental health, brief strong language)
(Also, some context in case I haven't had this discussion with you yet:
Hi! I have depression! It's okay! I'm getting help for it! I'm fine and don't need anything right now! I am okay with answering questions about it but also am happy with my current support structures and don't need you to reach out! I use too many exclamation points when I'm uncomfortable!
These four poems are somewhat self-indulgent, but I've found that reading things by other people with depression has really helped me to navigate what's going on, so I want them to be public in case anybody else is in a similar situation.)
Prehistoric
my therapist says it’s a fight or flight response
hardwired by evolution
i guess that means my ancestors
fought mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers
with uncontrollable shaking
painful anxious nothings
breaths too quick to feel
in a fetal, shuddering mess
the pinnacle of natural selection
crumpled on my bathroom floor
Roominating
“Am I really even depressed?”
I ask the pillow I’ve been staring at for three-and-a-half hours
Waiting
I like to sit alone at night and watch the stars go by.
It calms me,
makes me feel safe, secure
to see the trees and the sky and shadows
and it moves me in ways I can’t describe
that their God is my God, too.
And so I rest
And Christ is near
And if things aren’t as they should be,
At least I know someday they will.
No. Nope. Nuh uh.
Not that at all.
Not anymore.
I liked to sit.
I watched the world.
I was calm, secure, and moved,
and Christ was near
And now---?
Nothing.
No. Waiting.
Waiting isn’t quiet
Waiting isn’t peaceful
Waiting isn’t rest
Waiting isn’t nothing
Waiting is just... waiting.
You can’t do things while you’re waiting.
You can’t do the reading your advisor thinks you can
(that you should be able to)
cuz to do that you’d have to think
and to be there for your friends you’d have to feel
and you don’t get to do any of that for another 4-6 weeks
when the pills tell your brain how to be normal.
And so you’re just waiting.
Waiting to get up
Waiting to fall asleep
Waiting to think of something
Waiting for the hour or two
your mind is clear enough to get in a quick prayer
and you can’t even say you’re looking forwards to it.
Because hope is an emotion.
And you don’t get to have those anymore.
So you wait with your friends.
That’s what you’re supposed to do.
But it’s not really clear how to be when you---
because you know how you’re supposed to feel
and it’s not too hard to act right and that makes it more pleasant
but you kinda feel like you’re lying
but your advisor says you have a cheerful personality
so you’re not really and besides
the ones you’ve told seem freaked out
and they don’t need to be,
it’s totally fine
so that’s probably your fault
and
and
and
You’re waiting.
Deflecting.
Sorry.
I’m waiting.
And praying for God to change, to fix, to do something.
And maybe he will.
But he probably won’t.
There are a lot of depressed people.
I know (in my head):
that Christ died
that Christ rose
that everything will be made new
not like this:
better.
joyful.
different.
I don’t feel it.
But it’s true.
And I can try.
And I don’t know if that’s faith but it will have to do.
And I can’t do the things that
make me feel like a “real” Christian for a while
but I will give what little I can, and that will have to do, too.
And if I can’t feel hope or trust
I’ll plead with God to let me.
And that will have to do.
And God will have to work.
And I will have to wait.
Maybe I won’t feel better for a while.
Maybe I won’t feel better for a long time.
I see a firefly waltz across the sky.
I don’t feel anything
but I know it’s beautiful.
FOUR WEEKS
4 weeks,
is 28 days,
is 672 hours,
is 40,320 minutes,
is 2,419,200 seconds,
is when I’m supposed to feel better.
and (until then) i’m supposed to---?
four weeks
but maybe up to six
nobody knows why it takes so long
nobody knows why the pills work at all
they just do
or they don’t
and you have to try again
four weeks
of can’t fall asleep
of can’t read this book
of can’t carry a conversation
of can’t think or feel or learn or enjoy
of can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t
i’m pretty booked
for the next four weeks
i need my introvert time, and
i have plans with other friends, and
sorry, but i have to call my parents, and
it takes a lot of excuses to sit on your bed
and stare at a fucking wall
four weeks of wasting everyone’s time
are you even depressed
other people have it worse
you’re not really suicidal
attention-seeking
overreacting
stupid
stupid
stupid
until one moment
someone says the right thing
and, for a little while, you feel loved
they probably didn’t mean it
stupid, stupid, stupid.