Partial Hospitalization: poems from therapy
Poems from a partial hospitalization program for depression.
We have various writing exercises in the PHP (usually journalling) that have led to various poems and other writings. Here are a few of them! The first few are from various exercises in finding "safe places" in our heads for meditation - I always use memories involving my Grandmother.
grandmother
it was only a hug
it was only a tuesday and i was only happy
---and you were still here
and for a few moments
closely held and warm
i was okay
so here’s again my broken heart
for your open arms
and the growing scars t
hat will someday fade
just like you.
safe place
a sturdy old piano waits for me to play whatever i want
grandmother's here to listen, to heap praise upon my childish chords
and the balloon, that mid-summer easter balloon
say you didn't see it dance!
hopping and bopping to those plodding notes
clunkily trying their best
and the oatmeal mixes with her perfume
the warmth in her eyes is enough for the house
even the mean old cat's decided to purr
and we'll laugh and talk and eat cheesy puffs
twelve years old and dreaming of adulthood
now grown up escaping from the same
and grandmother
Dear Depression
I started trying to write this as though you were a separate entity, as something that just happened to me one day. I wanted to write about how you’d come in and ruined my life and I hated you for it and would do anything to be rid of you
But that’s not true, is it?
Because you aren’t something that just happened to me. You’re something that arose from the way I think, the way I process emotions, the way I deal with rejection. You’re, in some fundamental way, a product of me. And I don’t know if I’m supposed supposed to say that because I’m supposed to be putting space between us, and probably some part of it is biological or a “chemical imbalance”, but I need you to know I’m taking responsibility. You are the product of my own unhealthy thought patterns.
But I’m learning new ones. Learning to be better. Those little lies and cognitive distortions you thrive on? I’m learning how to root them out. Those improbable hopes and dreams I get caught up in over and over? I’m learning to accept their impossibility. The thousand little heartaches and pains you give me hour by hour, day after day? I’m learning to defuse them, to accept them, to make friends with them and let them be.
And someday? Maybe it’s too far to wish you gone. But at least I’ll know how to live with you. And you won’t have the power over my thoughts and over me that you’ve so bluntly wielded the past few months. So bring your pain, and bring your tears, and bring your heartbreak and bring your regrets. My God is stronger than that, and through him and through therapy, so am I.
i gotta listen to my therapist
you're my good friend
i don't know how to tell you that has to change
sorry.
pep talk
i know things aren't okay right now
i know it feels like that's your fault
that's okay
sometimes things hurt
you don't have to pretend you're alright
i could tell you it's not your fault
that sometimes things just happen
that people love you and care for you
but that probably all sounds like bullshit
so all i'm going to say is
stay safe
feel your feelings
observe them with care
i'll be here when you're ready.
healing
what did i do to deserve such wonderful friends
i'm really sorry i'm still broken