(Warning: this will contain enormous spoilers for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. Read on at your own risk.)
It's a well-known fact that once you accomplish enough of your goals, they bring you happiness and fulfillment.
If I could just learn this piano piece, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just write a piano piece, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just start a baseball game, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just hit a home run, I'd have accomplished enough.
If she would just like me back, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just get into grad school, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just get an NSF grant, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just be in a play, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just be the lead in a play, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just write a play, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just write a play people performed, I'd have accomplished enough.
If I could just beat my roommate in Smash, I'd have accomplished enough.
If somebody else lied to me this often I don't think we'd be friends anymore.
And yet I'm happy.
That's the weird part.
I spend a lot of time being ambitious. I seek things I think will fulfill me. They don't.
And yet I'm happy.
Prayer makes me happy. I skip prayer to do things I think will make me happy. They don't.
And yet I'm happy.
I've been thinking a lot recently about feeling fulfilled.
It's really strange. There's one thing in my life that really has any hope of proving existentially fulfilling.
It's the one creator who created a purpose for all creation.
It's the one person who cares about me more than anyone else possibly could.
It's the one God who reaches out to flawed people like me.
It's the one thing that might last forever.
So I mostly ignore it to seek pleasure.
Pleasure. Not joy or happiness.
Pleasure. Treat yourself first.
Pleasure. Indulge every desire.
Pleasure. Would you trade eternity for a chocolate bar?
I don't know.
Sometimes.
I watched GotG 2 a few weeks ago. There's a moment where Ego talks to his son:
Ego: I have come to a profound realization. My innate desire to seek out other life was not so I could walk among that life. Peter, I have found meaning.
He touches Peter's face as the orchestra plays a magnificent overture, with Peter's eyes literally being filled with pictures of stars and darkness.
Peter: I see it. Eternity.
Cut to an enormous pile of bones and skeletons.
Gamora: Oh my God.
This is where I fall off the existentialist train.
I don't just want to feel fulfilled. I don't want to pursue what I think is right. I don't want to do what will bring me pleasure. I don't care if Sisyphus is happy.
Ego seems pretty happy.
Peter, I have found meaning.
But I shout back, "Ego, you've killed people"
It just echoes back.
What if you hurt people?
What if you know who you are
What if you fight society to be true to your inner self
And you show the world who you were the whole time
but you're wrong?
and your inner self sucks?
and you should've changed for them?
but you just made the world worse?
You didn't know.
You thought you were right.
But you still did it.
You still bought books with money you could've donated.
You still condescended to people, pretending to help.
You still put yourself first.
You still hurt people.
You still hurt God.
Didn't you?
The same scene is in the bible:
Jesus: I have come to a profound realization. My innate desire to seek out other life was not so I could walk among that life. Peter, I have found meaning.
He touches Peter's face as the orchestra plays a magnificent overture, as Jesus is engulfed in light and joined by the holiest Hebrew Prophets.
Peter: I see it. Eternity.
Cut to a bloodied Jesus, hanging on a cross, surrounded by the bones of martyrs.
The Centurion: My Lord and My God.
Peter, I have found meaning.
By being the best carpenter.
Peter, I have found meaning.
By ruling the Roman empire.
Peter, I have found meaning.
By accomplishing my goals.
Peter, I have found meaning.
By winning awards.
Peter, I have found meaning.
Because my friends like me.
Peter, I have found meaning.
Because she said yes.
No.
By dying.
For something that mattered.
What if that's what meaning is?
Not when we get what we want.
Not when we achieve our goals.
Not when we're personally satisfied.
Not when we're free of doubt.
Not when we've got it all together.
Not when our dreams come true.
Not when we're happy and full.
When we're willing to give all that up.
When we find something eternal.
Something more important than anything we think we want.
And we're willing to hold onto it at any cost.
Sometimes there's a cost.
Sometimes it's hard to believe.
Sometimes it hurts.
Sometimes you have to give up things you want.
Sometimes it conflicts with parts of you you thought were central
Sometimes you don't get to decide.
Sometimes they beat you and feed you to lions.
Sometimes they crucify you.
But trust me.
It's going to be okay.
Peter.
I have found meaning.